Curriculum vitae

This is the story of my life

My father was a wealthy stockjobber, so I grew up beneath the sewers of New York. I spent most of my childhood raising my mother, whilst supporting my family financially. When I turned seven I celebrated my first birthday. My mother gave me my first car and I celebrated this special event by running over 35 tourists and a dozen of homeless canines. As a result of that happy occasion, the government confiscated my driver’s license for the second time that week.

In my early teens I developed an unhealthy aggression, which made me spend hundreds and thousands of cents on lottery tickets. When I was 18, I won $150.000 in unpaid bills and had to encumber my neighbors.

Later that year I built my own house in the suburbs of Chernobyl. The lots were inexpensive due to a minor accident I hadn’t heard of. At one unpleasant occasion I arranged a house party where I invited all my coworkers. Unfortunately one of them was a pyromaniac and burnt down my house. That repressed the festivity a little bit, but people acclimatized quickly.

When I turned 41, I ran for president. Unfortunately I filed the wrong forms and ended up as a cleaner at the local garbage dump. That was a bit challenging. When I was 54, I finally got in to preschool after applying for college. I also got killed by a train, but since I hadn’t paid my taxes I ended up in hell. That was the second time I visited London that year.

Just kidding! I never got in to preschool!